Fun fact: in Finnish, a dick is sometimes called an egg.

Buying a dog collar & leash would add some awkwardness points.

Using it to wash yourself???

Buy a can of Pringles and a sponge to make it less awkward. The cashier will assume that you’re going to have a nice time with someone, have a shower afterwards and then eat some chips.

I don’t think this post is serious…

Maybe, if there are nice picnic meals in Heaven.

I can only agree with you when pigs fly.

It certainly is way more attractive than, say, not believing misogynist pseudoscience or having basic hygiene.